this week’s theme song

i’m locked out of my apartment lmao. this wasn’t even me fucking around, it just happened. i’ve accidentally discovered a bug with the Kwikset keypad where you can get it to think it is open when it is in fact closed. it’s very interesting but my shoes are in there.

anyway. let’s talk about my week.

  • i am so fucking happy. feliz y contenta. ay.
  • she read my blog all the way back to September and still loves me. i never really thought about somebody reading all this
  • (i’m no longer locked out. apartment manager Lety arrived to save me. we love Lety. she took my batteries though, so now i’m locked in. an exciting new problem!!)
  • home of the rave and land of the chee
  • occult graffiti on balderas near ayunmiento
  • can’t believe i didn’t mention last week when i told her she could call me and i would sing for her and she called me and i sang I Love How You Love Me (accompanied by an op-1 piano pad sound) and she cried. and she told me i have a beautiful voice and not just when singing, and then i cried
  • there’s a lot to talk about, but i guess i need to start an after hours blog
  • anyway
  • some very sweet things have happened, some tears, some beautiful stuff
  • kinda feel like the whole writers staff of my life has quit or been fired and now they’ve hired real cheap replacements. i’m really at fanfic levels of life events and thoughts right now
  • anyway
  • jimena’s coming over for laundry and breakfast. it was a really big week, with a lot of very large and important conversations. can’t believe i’m going to be in London in 4 days.
  • i worked from Mexico city this week. waking up between 4 and 5a.m. and checking in on london hours. it went well! this is a schedule i could really do!!!
    • get up at 4:30a.m.
      • tomar mi hormonas y mi medicacíon
      • send a message into stand-up
    • work until 7am (about u.k. lunch time)
      • have breakfast
      • have a shower
    • get back to work around 8a.m.
    • work until lunch time
      • meet jimena for lunch
    • come home and make music for a few hours in the daylight
    • have dinner, drink a michelada, go to bed
    • ¿kind of a dream schedule?
  • i don’t know what the weeks apart will be like, but i have a lot of hope. i switched to Vodafone so i’d get free data while i’m in Mexico, and i also get some free international minutes too.
  • when i get home i’m going to sell a bunch of stuff i don’t need
  • no idea what the next section of my life looks like tbh. but i know what must be done.
  • maybe we’re past that “let’s see what happens” stage and now we’re in that “let’s decide what happens” place

ella me ama

theme song for the blog post
  • feliz y contenta
  • not much to say…
  • turns out it’s mayan year of the rabbit, and i’m the rabbit
  • released CORN. it’s perfect.
    • please listen.
  • started work on the next quiet party album, it’s going well. will be plenty of TR-727 and TB-303. expect a July release. it’s called big waterfall.
  • i am covered in cuts and bruises from head to toe
  • going to stay here an extra week
  • this week has been… beautiful. don’t know what to say. we had some lunches, walked around. had some important conversations. ate some important tacos. i walked A LOT. my feet are raw. some important structures were built, important decisions. it’s been a very long, very important, very powerful week. but i don’t even know what to say. we just had a lovely time.
  • On Friday evening she came over and i cooked champ with beef in onion and red wine gravy with mushrooms and green tomatoes. made some super tropey memories. i couldn’t even ignore it at the time. she brought a bottle of wine, i was making dinner, we didn’t have a corkscrew so we opened the bottle of wine with a knife. There was thunder and lightning outside. we had the window open and the front door open (metal outer door closed). the sound of pouring rain, holding the bottle still on the kitchen counter while she plunged a knife into the cork. did not feel real, it felt like when a TV show gets into its third season and starts introducing scenes showing the characters when they first met. not a good tv show either. network television. like the blacklist or something. we didn’t have glasses so we drank red wine out of these handmade ceramic mugs… sat on the step out the front smoking cigarettes and talking. eating dinner. thunder and lightning. watched derry girls later. drank anise and mezcal and wine.
  • on Saturday morning she did her class while i cooked breakfast and made music. on Saturday afternoon we went to pick up some v v cute vintage Sandylion stickers she bought for me. cats and rabbits. i stuck one on my computer. it has a great energy. we ate hamburgers and she forced me to put myself first.
  • anyway… yeah. everything’s very chill, beautiful, i’m… it’s good.
  • keep feeling like it’s just about to rain.

ok i’m writing this on my phone because i’m going shopping at the supermarket with her family who are worried i’m not eating right

monday

  • 2 days until flight

tuesday

  • 1 day until flight

wednesday / miércoles

  • day of flight
  • no wifi on the plane
  • on the flight: i listened to some podcasts, made a little music, wrote a basic nanoloop clone for the Playdate
  • nearly exploded on the plane. she had a panic attack waiting. all is well
  • she brought me flowers. they are beautiful, yellow. i found a makeshift ad-hoc vase for them in a pint cup from some festival that was in the cupboard at my hotel
  • we we’re goofy as fuck in el aeropuerto and did not know what to do with ourselves, each other (we know now)
  • we couldn’t find my apartamento but eventually a lovely lady found us and brought us up. she did not speak english. i don’t know what i would have done without sofia there, honestly.
  • nuestro primo besito after five flights of concrete stairs, “¿would you give me a little kiss?”, red couch, every time i stand up i bang my head on that fucking chandelier. i’m not even very tall
  • ate a sausage-shaped food made almost entirely of cheese that came on a stick
  • strong feelings, concrete stairwells, what’s a girl to do
  • i slept on the couch for a few hours like “¿?”
  • i could do this again

jueves

  • bought some eggies, made some breakfast.
  • bought some beans, some tostadas. made some lunch
  • went to the L’Imperatrice concert. it was the most fun in the world. my arm folded over her chest while they shout “merci beaucoup mexico” is somehow so powerful i could cry every time i think about it. cerveza (or, as our spanish friends say, therbethath), tequila (rip), mezcal.
  • the band was so good and the crowd were amazing
  • there are meek people walking through the crowd with trays of full beers above their heads and they are gently announcing “cerveza..! cerveza..!” and when someone in the crowd wants one they will scream “CHELA!!!! ¡¡¡¡¡¡¡CHELLLLLAAAAA!!!!!!!” at them
  • sitting on the floor outside the bank we said i love you. we walked for hours. “i never want this night to end”
  • i could do this again

viernes

  • i worked on CORN. it’s basically complete now.
  • just drank micheladas and worked on CORN and made mayonesa de atún and ate it with tostadas
  • CORN is basically ready to release now but i think it needs one last song. probably called “cascadas el paraíso” or maybe “gran cascada”
  • went to bed early so i could get up at 5am to meet bebé at the bus station at 6ish (turned out to be 7ish)

sábado

  • i do not know how i can write this day. especially not on mi teléfono.
  • met her dad at the bus station. he fist bumped me twice and told me to enjoy my travels. i did enjoy my travels. gracias, señor.
  • i literally have no idea how to talk about this day.
  • we took the bus at 7am, we travelled 3 hours and then switched to another bus and travelled another hour
  • we walked through the Honey arches and reached a cab which brought us to the entrance of Cascadas El Paraíso
  • we had so much fun on the buses, on the walk, on the taxi. from the taxi window we saw a dog lying in a corn field in the sun, truly living a dog’s life.
  • we got our tickets to the waterfalls, walked a little through the woods eating fresh white guavas, and i sat with my legs dangling over a rocky edge and talked to a perro
  • the perro said “¡follow me!” and ran on ahead, we followed and saw the big rope bridge. we ascended a little hill following a sign that told us there were Mexican treats ahead. we got up and sat on the grass in the most beautiful hills and mountains with buildings below and bought some water and drank some clamato and then we walked across the rope bridge
  • it was made more scary by some dudes behind us jumping and shaking on the bridge. when we got to the other side and those dudes followed behind i noticed they were all bikers wearing leather cuts. sofia shouted at them for shaking the bridge and scaring me, something like “oh you were having fun clowning around acting like a 15 year old” and letting them know their actions affected other people in a funny but serious way. sí, my baby took on a biker gang to protect me, that is correct.
  • we learned then that the bridge was the exit and we needed to now go back over the bridge in order to see the waterfalls.
  • we sat by a little natural pool above a great waterfall, and sofia got in and paddled around. also slipping around. fell right in the water. left her pants on a rock, sat on another rock that was the edge of a cliff and looked cute. it was a lovely time.
  • we went to a little place and bought some pulque, then went another little place and got a quesadilla each. it was super duper delicious. clamato opened in my backpack and all my stuff smells like clamato cubans. it’s actually pretty good.
  • we were faced with a choice with a real metaphor feel, do we want to see one big beautiful waterfall or several little waterfalls? big waterfall, baby. real metaphorheads know.
  • splashed in the water, climbed over rocks, slipped, i soaked my shoes. we climbed and jumped and slipped and skipped our way to a private sunbeam. we kissed, she peed, (gracias diosa por protegernos en este espacio tuyo), we thanked the goddesses and left that beam
  • it turned out we had the time to go to some more waterfalls. there were two little plants growing from either side of the path as if they wanted to touch. sofia gave them a little help and they finally got to be together, though some old half-dead leaf fell off one of them when it was pulled. real metaphorheads know.
  • there is not enough ink on the internet for me to write about everything that happened
  • in the other waterfall i got more naked than i’ve ever been in public while fat. i walked in the water, and stood under its heavy drops and splashed about and we took pictures.
  • we made our way to the exit, cascada by cascada
  • we saw some impossible orange moon? it may have been a goddess in the form of a giant sincronizada? a new moon lit by earthshine? who knows. it was a beautiful Honey moon.
  • we didn’t have enough money to get a taxi back so we walked the forty mins back to Honey down dirt roads with cows and lambs and we talked about everything everything everything as the sunset turned to dusk. we got back to late to get our bus, so we walked back up the road to get a taxi.
  • it took a long time to find a taxi that was free to take us; we sat on the steps of some little plaza and talked about everything everything everything and waited. there was this wild little doggy who had lost his voice and kept barking with breath only WHUFF WHUFF. he took a liking to us and stayed near us.
  • we got back to the bus station to learn no buses were leaving until 5a.m. so we got a little hotel room across the road and
  • i could do this again

domingo

  • we got up at 4am spent a few hours getting ready in the hotel room
  • got a little snack
  • got a bus to méxico city
  • went for a walk, jumped on a random bus and jumped off the moment we saw barbacoa.
  • ate barbacoa tacos with delicious salsa. “a great combination. barbacoa and you”
  • in a taxi now to meet her family to go shopping.

  • her mother told me ‘come bien’
  • i’m nervous with them and hope it doesn’t come off as aloofness or unfriendly
  • after shopping we walked around her area of the city a bit, and then sat on a step and talked about everything everything everything
  • i left my phone in the taxi when we were on the way to my place to drop off the groceries.
    • we contacted the driver afterwards and got it back
    • he said he’d take 45 mins
    • he took well over an hour
    • we got so hungry and dehydrated. we were meant to be dropping off the food then going for tacos. we are incredibly skillful at narrowly avoiding tacos when we are very hungry and surrounded by tacos.
    • we sat on a step and talked about everything everything everything
  • we are back in our respective homes now
  • we are hungry ghosts
  • i could do this again

it’s good to know we can talk for like 28 hours straight and then split for 2 hours and then talk for another bunch more hours and then go to our separate homes and still want to talk more. i’m so depleted. my body, my mind, my everything, all used up. honestly, i should be dead on my feet. but i’m somehow still so alive.


note: happy international workers day.

note: this marks 1 year that i’ve been doing a blog post every Sunday.

wauw.

🥚🫡

i completely forgot it was domingo, and nearly forgot to write a post.

i’m a little low energy today.

  • after writing the blog post on Sunday i booked a flight back to CDMX. i will be flying on the 27th of April and coming home on the 10th of Mayonnaise. i can’t wait. if i had higher energy i would have so much to say about this. pero, it’s the most exciting.
  • later on Sunday evening i went out to Fox & Firkin with Val and Ben and (briefly) Ted. it was a nice time, we had some nice chats. i have the biggest smile on my face all the time. I drank one tequila and one beer and then I walked home.
  • jimena watched all of Derry Girls
  • i finally remembered how we started talking, I said “do you mind if i smoke?” i’d given up smoking 8 weeks earlier, hadn’t had a single puff, but then i was drunk at the festival and a pack of marlboro reds was about £2 instead of like £20 so i bought them. so glad i did. smoking saves lives.
  • we had a nice phone call on Monday. the connection was really bad and there were a lot of times we didn’t hear each other well… but it was so sweet and it was so good. we confirmed we feel the same.
  • had a chat about work. had a meeting at work. things might be looking up. too soon to say.
  • we watched the new episode of Derry Girls on-line together.
  • my manager left on wednesday. went for drinks after work. talked to some people i hadn’t seen in a while. it was nice.
  • some things have happened that i don’t have the right focus to type up, but… we are both putting a lot of work in to making sure that whatever is going on it is healthy. and it’s really a beautiful feeling.
  • thursday i was pretty hungover, had another meeting. went really well. things might be looking up. nothing’s final.
  • it’s nice to know that i have met somebody who has the same explicit highly sexual fantasies as me such as having breakfast together or chatting and holding hands
  • friday morning i bought a new computer and went to Bromley to pick it up. it’s a gold macbook air, it looks pink in most light. it’s cute. i stuck a PARTY HARD sticker to it. bromley is cute too, i will come back here.
  • on Saturday i went to a party at the house of some work people. it was nice. saw some people i hadn’t seen in a long time. i left before the party was over, but after the party was done.
  • she wore bunny rabbit earrings to her sisters birthday. when i am anxious now i remember about the bunny rabbit earrings and everything kind of fades away.
  • it’s 10 days now until my flight. that’s a countdown. i have to start getting ready and i haven’t even recovered from coming back. i will not be going outside until my flight. i cannot risk getting sick before the 27th. i cannot remember the last time i felt this much joy and optimism. it’s pouring out of me. i can feel sometimes when i’m laughing that my smile is bigger than it’s ever been, my muscles tingling in my cheeks.

i am depleted. but in a good way.

on Monday i went to la pulquería favorita de la chica del parque bicentenario and drank a large jug of pulque piñon. it was the most local place i went to in CDMX. when i walked in i got the feeling “i am not meant to be here,” but i was bolstered by my dream of drinking something somewhere someone had been so i soldiered on. the drink was pink and sticky and thick. it was sweeter than i should drink, i think., but i’d been careful throughout the week and it didn’t seem to spike my blood sugar noticeably. i look forward to returning and trying the celery.

she thought i’d meant 11a.m for my flight back to Londres, and when she found out it was p.m. we arranged to meet up for a walk and a dinner when she got out of work. she’s a designer for some kind of bakery consortium. i went home and packed all my bags. i got so nervous i threw up. let me tell you something: i’ve gone on stages in front of dozens of people by myself and sang songs that i wrote and i have never psychosomatically chundered in my life before this. what the hell. anyway we found ourselves holding hands again for a little while, and we went to a juice bar, and we laughed a lot, and we walked back and spent 30 minutes saying goodbye. she told me she’d been thinking a good gift for me would be a beanie with long rabbit ears before she knew my surname is rabbits and that i am the largest rabbit in the world. she said “¡¡you’re like a big rabbit!!”, the words i’ve longed to hear. she shouted “goodbye chee!!” looking back from halfway down the street and then what i did, right, was i got on a plane and i flew five thousand and five hundred fucking miles away.

in mexico city shops often have temperature sensors that you have to hold your hand up to and they beep to tell you that you’re cool enough to enter the room. most of them beep. there’s one coffee shop that has one that firmly, yet merrily, declares “¡NORMAL!”. i agree with that machine.

¡normal!

let’s see. i got on a plane, i was sitting between a mother and her son and they kept talking over me and passing objects over me and i offered to switch places with either of them and they merrily, yet firmly, said “no:)”. i thought a lot about how the seats in aeroplanes just shouldn’t be able to go back at all, it’s so rude. my legs were so cramped and i was so tired and it was an incredibly long and unpleasant flight. but i text with the girl from bicentennial park during the flight and we laughed a lot and and i didn’t care so bad that it was so long and so unpleasant.

i took a tube home, then a train. when i got into my apartment i was astonished. it was like the apartment of a person who has been depressed! i started tidying, it’s not so bad now. it’s got a clean kitchen table and it’s cozy again. though it still needs some work 🙂

on Wednesday i went into the office. i saw some people. i told them about how i’d met this person. i think it was all i talked about. i could not focus on anything, cosmos in the chest and anthill in the belly. went to a mexican restaurant at lunch, it was not very good. after work we went for drinks, talked a bit about the dynamics at work and why it is hard to hire people, and why people are leaving. i talked a bit about my team. my despair about my team and about my work have been replaced by transcendental nihilism. my hope and dreams have been replaced with different hopes and fewer dreams.

i have not been sleeping right. wednesday and thursday i woke up at 4a.m., had a chat for two hours and then i just got up and started my day. on thursday night i didn’t sleep at all. on friday night i went to sleep in kinda good time, and tried to force myself to sleep in but i have all these thoughts and chemicals and things i want to say jaajajjaja i just am lying still sometimes and staring into the darkness of my room unable to stop my mind and body from churning. feelin’ like a little laboratory. ¡normal!

anyway mostly i just spent the week laughing, giggling, wriggling and eating corn. i haven’t taken any drugs, i’ve gone for some walks, i’ve cooked everything i ate except for a battered fish i ordered and ate with valentina and lime. i don’t know what to say. like, for a week that contained more good emotions than as many weeks as i can remember that went before it, nothing really happened. i just sat around texting and walked around smiling and glowing and beaming and being like :3. she bullies me.

on friday or saturday at one point i sang and played the guitar for pleasure. can you imagine? can’t remember the last time i did that, tbh. i just sat there, singing songs, for no reason other than i was relaxed and happy and in the mood to. can you imagine? syd barrett, libertines, a few old blues numbers, improvising some little jangly guitar bits in between the songs all interstitial-like, Stray Cat Strut, &c, &c. can you imagine?

¡normal!

i’d love to apologize for how excruciating and sickly and corny this post is, but i’m not sorry. sorry.

lo siento bebé.